


Recovery

by LadyoftheWoods



Series: Sanders sides revamped [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of Rejection, Hurt/Comfort, Mostly Fluff, Nightmares, Self-Doubt, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, Sympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, deceit is Milo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27804547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyoftheWoods/pseuds/LadyoftheWoods
Summary: Everyone takes some time to talk and reflect and recover after getting Virgil home.
Series: Sanders sides revamped [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033806
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. Patton

**Author's Note:**

> Continuing to repost edited, better versions of my earliest sanders sides series!  
> See end notes for warnings

He was on the dark, ebony plane again. How did he get here? He felt dazed, dizzy, confused. He heard a noise in the darkness, and whipped around, barely dodging an explosion of blue. He tripped over a green strand, regaining balance long enough to put up a shield as a wash of flame rushed around him, blasting him with heat.

What was happening? This didn’t make any sense. He’d gotten them home, hadn’t he? He couldn’t remember. He heard His laugh, that slow, deep sound that chilled him.

“What’s the matter, Luca?” The voice echoed from everywhere around him, the sound ringing in his ears, in his mind until it hurt.

They stepped out of the shadows then, and he bit back an anguished yell. Their eyes glowed yellow, their heads tilted unnaturally, smiles plastered on their faces. Golden ropes wrapped around their hands, legs, arms, necks, extending into the shadows, where the puppet master lingered.

“Let them go. I don’t care what you want, just let them go!” He cried out, Deceit appearing, finally, hovering above them all, holding onto their marionette strings.

“I don’t know, these puppets are quite fun. Maybe I’ll play with them a while longer.”

He wrenched Patton’s arm back, and Virgil heard a sickening snap. Another flick of his wrist and Roman drew his sword, plunging it into his own heart. He snapped his fingers and 

Logan’s head twisted at an unnatural angle as he fell limp as a rag doll to the ground.

Patton looked up at him, eyes clear for a moment, pain and fear shining through and he knew, he knew, they could feel everything happening, they just couldn’t stop their limbs from moving.

“Don’t. Milo Don’t.” He pleaded, eyes never leaving Patton’s, his own voice echoing as it only did when he was truly, deeply, afraid.

“welllll, I suppose I could make an exception. For a price, of course.” Patton shook his head, but Virgil didn’t care, he could take anything, anything but this.

“Just let him go.” His voice shook.

“As you like.” He snapped his fingers and Virgil fell to his knees, golden threads wrapping him tight, leaving him hardly able to breath, burning and biting into his skin, electric heat burning through his veins as he was shoved out of the forefront of his mind. It was like looking through a window, unable to do anything but watch.

Patton cradled his arm, eyes glazed with pain as he slumped to the floor. Virgil could feel his intentions, alarm racing through him as he pounded on the glass.

“no. NO, you said- “

“I said I’d let him go. I never said what would happen next.” His voice whispered as Virgil’s body lunged forwards, power that wasn’t his unspooling from his hands, a white-hot dagger of light forming, stabbing down, plunging into Patton’s heart.

He could feel Patton’s pain and forgiveness and that forgiveness made it worse, he could see the light leave his eyes, he pounded and pounded against the glass until his fists were bloody, his shoulders bruised black, until the blood stopped flowing and Patton’s heart stopped beating.

“You should have stayed with me, Luca. You should never have made friends. They’re just a tool to be used against you.”

The images replayed over and over in his head, the look on Patton’s face, the smiles, the broken necks, stained shirts, gashes, burns, twisted limbs and always their faces, always their pain, always his fault, his fault, his-

He shot up in bed, biting back the scream building in his chest, shaking and paralyzed for a moment, unable to think, to stop panicking.

Living room. Their living room. It was decorated in black streamers and purple light catchers, set up by Patton and Roman, with direction from Logan on what placement would look the most aesthetically pleasing.

Safe, safe, it was fine, it was a dream, it was a nightmare, that’s the only place Milo could reach him, a figment of his own mind, his own fears.

He hadn’t realized he was moving until he stopped, hand raised, ready to knock. He hesitated, the light blue door a bit dimmed in the dark, and Virgil bit his lip. Why did he always feel like this when he was about to knock? It was like standing on the edge of a precipice, and he couldn’t bring himself to take the step over into the abyss.

But it wasn’t an abyss. It was just a door, just Patton’s door. So why did his hand shake so badly, why couldn’t he bring himself to just knock? Of all of them, he knew Patton understood him the best, because Patton dealt with bad feelings too, he was the easiest to talk to, he should’ve been able to just knock on the damn door.

He let out a frustrated sigh and turned, walking down the hallway, stopping in front of his door.

He let out a long breath, sliding to the floor across from it, leaning back on the wall and looking up at the door. He pulled his knees to his chest, shaking his head. This was stupid, what was he doing, sitting out here? What was the point, staring at the door? It’s not like it could attack him, it was supposed to be his.

Every time he tried to make something for himself, Milo had to have it, had to take it and twist it and burn it to the ground. For what? Because he was jealous? Because he was lonely? He’d been all those things too, and he wasn’t skulking around like a super villain. At least, he hadn’t for a long time.

“Hey kiddo.” Patton sat down on the ground next to him, yawning. “Bit early to be up and about, huh?” Virgil let the question go. He couldn’t look at Pat, if he looked at Pat all he’d see…

He closed his eyes. In four, hold seven, out five. Repeat. It was a minute later when he finally cracked them open again, glancing sideways at him, weary wry smile on his face.

“Hey.” He replied simply, resting his head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. He could feel Patton’s eyes on him, the concern and watchfulness emanating from him in waves.

“This makes it almost every night this week, doesn’t it?” Patton asked softly.

“I didn’t think you noticed.” Virgil replied, watching Pat from the corner of his eye, watching him breath, watching him blink. He was fine, they were fine, it was fine.

“We all noticed, Virg. We just never know when to say anything.” Patton replied, pausing. “How bad was it?”

“Don’t ask me that. You don’t want to know that.” Virgil replied, pulling his hoodie tighter around his head.

“Virgil…” Patton trailed off.

“I just… I hate it, I hate him! It’s not fair. Everything good I try to make or do just gets torn apart. I can’t go in my room, I can’t go visit the Darkside if I wanted to, I can’t even sleep because I’m just…. terrified.”

“So bad then.” Patton said softly. Virgil ran his hand through his hair, letting out a rough sigh.

“It’s not… ok. You know that being around Thomas’s friends helps calm me down. Well, being around you guys just hanging out calms me down the most. Because you’re my   
friends. And I care about you.” Patton nodded, listening closely. Virgil shivered, hugging his legs tighter.

“Well I almost lost all of that. If you had gotten hit with that arrow, if any of you had, you would be dead, or whatever happens to us, anyway. They can do anything they want to me, I don’t care, but watching all of you, any of you, get hurt or… or worse… because of me… you know how my mind works. I can’t stop seeing it, or a version of it, or… or worse.” He muttered, feeling stupid.

“Virgil? Is it ok if I hug you?” Patton asked, scooching closer. Virgil half smiled, nodding. Patton wrapped his arms around him, hugging him closely.

“It makes it so much harder. I feel guilty for things I haven’t even done, scenarios that make no sense. I want to say something, I know I should just say something, but I can’t, I just, I can’t.” He muttered, frustrated with himself.

“But you’re saying something now. That’s something. Before you would’ve just sat here in silence with me, or told me to leave you alone. Even if you’re not able or ready to ask to talk yet, you’re trying.” Patton said, Virgil resting his head on Pat’s shoulder, sighing. They sat there for a long moment, in silence.

“It wasn’t all bad, y’know? I was never that close with any of the others, but me and Milo just always stuck together. He just… got me, I guess. He was patient and mischievous and fun. He’s not all lies, or bad lies, anyway. He’s about deceiving people. All the pranks and scares and surprises, they were him as much as Roman. He protects Thomas in the same way I do. He could be so good, if he’d just stop and listen to me.” Virgil said, pulling out of Patton’s hug, but staying close to him. “he used to listen to me.” He looked down, fiddling with his hoodie strings.

“Hey. You can’t control what other people do, you can only make choices for yourself. You can try and lead people in the right direction, a better direction, but it’s up to them to follow. Maybe things did used to be better with him, or maybe you were just different then too. You’ve changed and grown so much from when we first met you. What’s important is that you tried. And you decided what was best for yourself was to leave. That’s brave Virgil. You pushed me out of the way, knowing you might die. You get up and keep going every day even though you’re scared. That’s what Milo doesn’t understand. To do all that, to keep going, that is strong and very, very brave. And one day you’ll understand that, and you won’t be afraid of him anymore, because you’ll know you’re stronger and braver than he is. One day you’ll march through that door and make him listen as you tell him everything he’s ever made you feel, both good and bad, one day you’ll be able to see that his words are just words, and your actions mean so much more than his lies. It doesn’t have to be today, or this year, or the next. Just, someday, you’ll wake up and realize you don’t have to be afraid anymore. And every day is a step in that direction, both good days and bad. And every day we’ll be here for you, to cheer you up, or give you space, or talk, or just sit in silence if that’s what you need. Because that’s what family does.” Patton finished, Virgil biting his lip, looking up at the door.

“I don’t feel brave.” He said, absently.

“You are. You just don’t know it yet.” He looked up at Patton, who sounded so sure, so sincere, and let out a deep breath, letting himself relax, letting the tension fall from his shoulders. He didn’t know if he believed Patton, but it was enough, right now, to know Patton believed in him.

“We should get back to bed, before Logan comes out here and harps on us for ruining his perfect sleep schedule equilibrium, or whatever.” Virgil said, pushing himself to his feet, helping pull Patton up. Patton smiled, bumping him gently as they walked back down the hall.

“Virgil… have you talked to Roman?” Patton asked, hesitating in his open doorway. Virgil shook his head, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “You should. I think you guys are more similar than you think you are. And he feels guilty, about all of it.” Patton said softly, closing his door, leaving Virgil alone in the hall.

Roman. He didn’t know what he’d say to him. How to say what he wanted to say to him. He was just so… much. That was a thought for a different day.

He wiped his eyes on his sweater sleeve as he headed back to the living room, frowning at the inky darkness that came away. He was just tired. He curled back up in bed, knowing for tonight, at least, there wouldn’t be any more dreams.


	2. Roman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman and Virgil have a chat.

He was in his room, walls plastered with Disney posters, large four poster bed in the corner with drapes pulled open around it, and an old-fashioned writing desk with an ink well and feather sitting on it on top of parchment in the other corner. He was putting himself through his paces, parrying and slashing at invisible enemies, whirling to counter a downward strike at his back, whipping out his foot to trip an attacker coming at him from the side. He swung in a wide arc, hitting the enemy coming at him from the left, sweat slicking his grip.

“Come on Roman, I expected at least you to do better than this. Isn’t this whole slaying beasts thing supposed to be your specialty” His voice echoed through Roman’s mind, making him grit his teeth. He had to be better, he hadn’t been able to protect any of them. He could still feel the cold, almost inky feeling of Deceit’s power in him, driving him to attack Virgil. He hadn’t been in control, but he could feel it. All that despair and pain and so much fear. He let out a strangled yell as he spun fast, thrusting forward, sword flying out of his grip and sticking itself into the doorframe.

Inches from Virgil’s head.

“Hello to you too, I guess.” Virgil said, looking frozen to the spot despite his casualness.

“I am so sorry, I did not hear you knock. I was just, er, practicing.” Roman apologized, tugging on the sword. It had embedded itself fairly deep.

“I don’t know Princey, you seemed pretty spot on to me.” Virgil replied, and Roman flinched.

“I wasn’t good enough to avoid causing you harm.” He replied, wrenching the sword free with one angry pull.

“That’s not… what I meant.” Virgil sighed, pushing his hair back.

“Then what? First, I pushed you away enough you ran to, to Him, for help. Then I drag Patton and Logan into my quest to retrieve you and nearly get them killed, and in the midst of it all I attack you and nearly kill you. It seems nothing I did was remotely near good, much less good enough!” Roman replied, voice getting steadily louder as he ticked off the points on his fingers.

“Please don’t do that.” Virgil said, wincing, rubbing his temple.

“Do what!?” He shouted, taking a breath.

“Yell, freak out, do whatever you’re doing right now. It’s so loud and so… much. Ok?” Virgil replied aggressively, folding his arms uncomfortably. Roman actually looked at Virgil then. He was paler than usual, and the dark spots under his eyes that was usually eyeliner were actually real. He looked… tired and worn.

“This was stupid, what am I doing?” Virgil muttered, looking down at the floor.

“What… what are you doing here? I don’t think you’ve come to my room, well, ever.” Roman asked, noticeably toning down his volume.

“Patton told me that I should talk to you. Because we haven’t, not really. Not since everything, y’know.” He replied, still not looking up.

“It’s fine, I’m… fine.” Roman stuttered out. Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Do you know how many times I’ve said that same thing? I’ve spent enough time around Milo to know a lie when I hear one.” Virgil replied.

“Well then, are you fine, you sarcastic Samuel?” Roman shot back. For a moment Virgil wavered, then let out a low breath.

“No. No, not really.” He replied, deflating. Roman froze, speechless. Virgil would never admit that to anyone, much less him. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. He was afraid any movement would scare him away.“Look, I know you feel guilty about it all. But it wasn’t your fault, ok? So just… don’t blame yourself. I knew what I was getting into. I just didn’t know what I was getting you all into.” Virgil said, stuffing his hands in his pocket, turning to go.

“Virgil, wait.” Roman grabbed his wrist, gently. Virgil could pull away easily enough if he wanted. But he didn’t. “Why then? Why did you go?” He asked, letting out the question that had been burning inside him.

“Because… I thought it was the only option I had. I know I can’t just duck out. But I thought, I don’t know, nothing would change, if I went back and just forgot everything. I’d still be working, still be keeping Thomas in check, you just wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. I thought it would be better.” He finished, almost whispering, unconsciously rubbing his arm where Roman had slashed it. It still ached sometimes, especially when he was feeling strongly. Roman noticed and winced.

“Virg- “

“I don’t expect you to understand, ok? I know everything in your little fantasy world always has happy endings, but I just can’t see that way. Every little barb you threw my way, Logan shutting down my worries, even Patton’s kinda demeaning attitude, they all just get magnified times a hundred. My mind just spins off, and with Milo whispering in my ear the whole time… I just thought what if I go? I didn’t… I don’t think I expected you all to come after me. I didn’t expect you to come after me.” Virgil finished, rambling a bit.

“You thought I would just leave you there? I thought he’d taken you Virgil. I was imagining all kinds of twisted games or traps he could have you set in. But he didn’t need any. I’d laid all the groundwork for him. I did his job for him. I hurt you, Virgil.” Roman said, voice pained.

“I meant it when I said I forgave you. I didn’t know that would snap you out of it, and I still meant it, about everything. I was scared but not…it didn’t matter. What happened to me. I just needed you to get out of there.” Virgil replied, rubbing his arm.

“Virgil, I know how you feel.” Virgil raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I seriously doubt that.”

“I am always afraid. What if my ideas aren’t good enough? What if no one likes what I’m doing? What if I’m not original? What if everyone stops caring what I’m making? What if they stop caring about me? What if they laugh at me? What if I do something stupid? What if I hurt everyone? What if I’m left… if I’m left all alone?”

Virgil’s breath caught in his throat. He stared at Roman, unable to understand. It was like a mirror of his own mind, echoing back at him.

“But you’re everyone’s favorite.”

“Only while I’m still making things people love. If I mess up, Thomas’s career could be over. I could screw everything up for everyone. I’m not perfect, Virgil. None of us are. But we’re all trying our best. I’m sorry for all the times I made you feel otherwise.” He apologized, meeting Virgil’s eyes, who was speechless. “I don’t mean to be hard on you. I just get riled up easily. Passion is part of creativity.” Roman said, holding out his hand, a gesture of peace. Virgil took it, stepping into Roman’s room.

He dropped like a rock. All he could see was his worst fears. He saw Patton getting torn apart, saw Logan losing his mind, saw Roman stricken down, saw gold invade them all as they ripped each other apart, he saw each of them drowning in darkness, turning against each other, ducking out one by one until Thomas lost his mind.

Then he was out, heaving in breaths, shaking. He was on the ground outside Roman’s room, head in his hands, a concerned Roman supporting him, keeping him from faceplanting.

“I don’t think your room likes me much.” He choked out, voice hoarse, trying to get his breathing under control.

“Why… what was that?” Roman asked, bewildered.

“Your room, Roman. It’s made of creativity. Anxiety plus creativity is not a great combination. Not with all the fears on my mind. It made all of them twist into new and horrible forms.” He replied, trying to suppress his shakes and the headache pulsing at his temples. “Dark side, remember?”

“But Patton’s- “

“Hit me just as hard. It just took longer to build. Yours really has it out for me, I guess. Makes sense though.” He interrupted, flipping up his hood.

“Don’t do that.” Roman said, Virgil turned to him, confused.

“Do what?”

“When you put on your hood, it means you’re going to run, or hide, or shut down. Don’t do that this time.” Virgil let out a deep breath, slowly pushing his hood back down.

“I don’t know what else to do.” Virgil said smally.

“Just sit with me. Just… just let me help.” Roman said, releasing Virgil as he steadied. They sat in silence for a moment.

“You draw.” Roman said, Virgil looking at him puzzled.

“What?”

“You draw. When we were in your room, you had drawings on the walls and in your journal. I didn’t know you did that. They looked really good.” Virgil ducked his head, hiding a blush.

“Thanks. You should expect me to have some creativity, I am your opposite.” Virgil commented, Roman raising an eyebrow. Virgil smirked. “wow you guys really are clueless idiots. I am the negative version of you. Kinda, that’s the best way to describe it. I’m all the creativity if it went… dark, I guess. Just like Milo and Patton are opposites. Y’know, Morality and Deceit? That’s why Milo’s room hit Patton the hardest…. And why your room hit me like a brick. It’s why we have such a hard time getting along. You instinctually dislike me.” Virgil explained, seeing from Roman’s face that he’d never clued in to any of this, it was all new. He switched topics, not wanting to think on that too much.

“Why did you never tell us you were so afraid?” Virgil asked, swallowing thickly. Roman noticed the change, but didn’t comment on it, instead thinking on Virgil’s question.

“Because I’m supposed to be the brave one. If I let people know I’m afraid, what will they think of me?” He answered, smiling a bit at Virgil’s difficulty reconciling what he’d learned about Roman with his own idea of Roman. He had his own reconciling to do later.

“Jeez I need to listen to Patton more.” Virgil groaned, leaning back against the wall, stretching his legs out, resting his head on Roman’s shoulder. “He told me that you and I were more alike than I thought. Your emotional shield is almost as good as mine Princey. Nice to know I’m not the only one screwed up around here.” He commented, half smiling. Roman rolled his eyes, smiling back.

“Feeling better?” Roman asked. Virgil had his eyes closed, forehead slightly creased.

“Migraine coming on, but other than that…. Yeah. I think I feel better. You?” He asked, not opening his eyes.

“Much. I… thank you, Virgil. For trusting me. I know talking like this isn’t easy. Especially with me.” Roman said, Virgil peeking his eyes open.

“yeah, well, once you almost kill each other a couple times, I think we were both owed a little heart to heart.” Virgil murmured, closing his eyes once more and letting out a little sigh. Roman shook his head, feeling Virgil fall asleep leaning against him. He got the feeling neither of them had been getting much sleep. He rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes. A little nap wouldn’t hurt. Besides, he couldn’t bear to wake up Virgil, he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. He closed his eyes and let his mind drift, creating dreams of brave princes slaying dragons.


	3. Logan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan helps Virgil overcome some fears.

He sat on the couch, legs pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped tight around them, forehead resting on his knees. He didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that he was sick, exactly. He didn’t have a fever, he didn’t have a sore throat or runny nose. It was something else. More of a sense, than a physical ailment.  
It was like the world was slightly off kilter, like everything was tilted just a few extra degrees. It was like looking at the world through Logan’s glasses, slightly blurry and unfocused, and doing it for too long gave you a headache.

It was like there was something eating away at him inside, making him slowly fade away, no matter how hard he fought back. That’s what it was, whatever it was. Some remnant of power, some consequence of not using his room, some side effect of Milo’s blow still sticking it out. But dealing with it meant dealing with his room, meant dealing with Milo. And he could ignore it for a while longer. He had to. It had been nearly a month and he’d managed so far. He could manage a little longer.

Logan passed by the living room, face in a book titled something about physics, barely registering Virgil on the couch, he’d grown so used to him always being there. Something made him pause. He frowned, closing his book, and stepped backwards, looking at Virgil.

He was pale, which was not unusual, but his complexion seemed rather pasty, even for him, almost to an unnatural level. He seemed to be breathing strangely, as if he were struggling to lift something heavy or do some arduous task, though he was only sitting there. He’d grown used to the pattern of breaths Virgil used to calm himself, this wasn’t that.

He walked over quietly, observing Virgil for a few moments, his hair falling forwards over his face, so Logan couldn’t see it. Still, he seemed to be in some state of semi alertness, zoning out, as they called it. He cleared his throat, Virgil didn’t react. He sat down next to Virgil, awkwardly reaching out and tapping his shoulder.

Virgil startled, jumping inches before landing again, looking rather sheepish as he pushed his hair back, looking at Logan.

“I didn’t mean to startle you, Virgil. I just noticed you looked a bit unwell.” Logan said, looking him over closely now that he could see his face.

Virgil’s face was pallid, almost… translucent? It looked like he hadn’t slept in days, which was normal for Virgil, but the clear strain and exhaustion on his face was not. Sweat beaded his forehead, and his eyes had an uncanny brightness to them. He felt his heart speed up. He didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed earlier, but Virgil was very, very not okay.

“It’s nothing. Just stressed out, y’know?” Virgil replied, though he seemed unable to convince himself, much less Logan.

“Virgil if you are coming down with some illness, it’s best to treat it earlier than later, especially with your recent…. Injuries. It could be some infection or side effect of being hurt so gravely, or remnants of whatever it is we did.” Logan replied evenly, logically, though he wasn’t feeling so level headed himself. He was seeing Virgil lying delirious on the couch, almost dead.

“Yeah, way to state the obvious, Teach.” Virgil drawled, though his heart wasn’t in it. Logan let out a frustrated noise.

“If you are aware of the issue, why have you not brought it to my or the other’s attention? I know you at least speak with Patton plainly, even if you won’t with me.” Virgil winced slightly, shrugging.

“Because that would mean dealing with it. And I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with it.” Virgil replied, fiddling with his hoodie strings. Logan’s mind whirred, before he formulated a couple hypothesis.

“You fear whatever this is, is in relation to your room, or to Deceit. Both of which are interconnected issues and ones you would rather avoid than face.”

“Figured that out all by yourself, huh?”

“Well, yes, who else would I have- oh that was sarcasm.” Logan cut himself off at the eye roll from Virgil. “Good to see your personality hasn’t been impacted at least.” He replied, adjusting his glasses, earning a bit back smile from Virgil, which felt better than winning a Nobel prize. Making him smile was harder than almost anything else.

“You know you can’t avoid it forever. The room is an extension of you, without it you’ll- “He gasped, realizing what was happening then. “Not entering your room for so long is weakening you. You’re fading away. Virgil, I don’t care what your fears are, you need to go back in there now and recharge. If we lose you completely…” He trailed off, mind racing through probable possibilities and scenarios. None of the outcomes were good.

“It’s not that easy. What if I lose myself again? What if I’m not strong enough to keep out Milo? If I let him get in my head again? What if the others…. So far, it’s been mostly only him. If the others show up, if they team up too…. My room is like a nightmare sometimes, Logan. And I keep letting the nightmares in.” He said, shaking his head, regretting it as the room spun for a moment. Vertigo. Nice. That was new.

“It doesn’t matter. Without you, Thomas is, well, you’ve seen what happens.” Logan replied, sounding more worried than Virgil had ever heard him.

“So, you reason him into doing what he needs to do, Patton keeps him doing what’s right, Roman keeps him coming up with ideas, creating content, you keep that content in check. Life goes on. He’d be fine.” Virgil replied, looking away.

“That’s not a solution! I need you to stop wanting to give up on yourself, Virgil! I need you to stay! You promised you wouldn’t scare me like this again. You. Promised.” Logan raised his voice, making Virgil look at him. Logan hardly ever yelled. Especially not at him. He was silent a moment.

“I’m just tired, Logan. I’m afraid and I’m tired and I’m angry. Or I was. I think now the anger is gone and I’m just… sad. It was easier before I was sad.” Virgil said softly, leaning back on the couch. He felt Logan take his hand, felt some of Logan’s soothing power flow into him, clearing his head.

“I know it’s hard to face your fears. I know it’s even harder for you. But you can’t keep this up, Virg. You need rest, real rest, and you can’t get that out here.” Logan replied softly, squeezing Virgil’s hand.

“There’s no guarantee I’ll get it in there, either.” He muttered, though he knew Logan was right.

“Must you always be so contrary.” Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses.

“It’s what I do best.” Virgil stood, nearly falling over as the room spun around him, Logan catching and steadying him as he rubbed his forehead.

“Virgil, in Deceit’s realm… you know I relate to you more easily than any of the others, right? You are, ostensibly, the one I prefer to engage in discourse with and be around.” Logan said, clearing his throat as they walked down the hall.

“I know. Whatever you saw, it doesn’t matter. He was just trying to unbalance you. You… even me out, y’know?”

“Falsehood. It matters to me. It matters that you don’t actually feel that I make you feel worthless, or obsolete. It matters that you know you belong, no matter what.” Virgil glanced at him with that wide-eyed look he only got when he was surprised, or saw things in a suddenly new way, biting his lip. He didn’t reply, but he was clearly thinking, which was what counted in Logan’s book. They stopped outside his door, the purple a bit faded, handle a bit rusted.

“I can stay with you, for a while, if you want, I mean. The room’s effect kicks in slowly, and with no actual conflict happening I should be able to keep my reasoning.” Logan said, seeing the fear on Virgil’s face. “Or I can get one of the others, if you like, perhaps Patton- “

“No. no, I’d rather it be you. You think, in the same way as me. If you say something, I can believe you, because you’re not overly optimistic like them, or negative like me. You’re just… clear headed. I need that, I think.” Virgil said nervously, taking a breath and pushing open the door, stepping inside with Logan at his side.

It was dark. He snapped and the dim purple lights came on, showing the mess the room had been left in. He winced, rubbing his head.

“Kinda forgot I threw a temper tantrum before taking off.” He muttered, picking up the frame lying on the floor, the picture of the four of them. He tucked it in his pocket, Logan pretending not to notice. He clapped his hands, and everything righted itself.

The books flew back to their places, the lamp stood back up, the wall repaired itself, Milo’s graffiti vanished, everything was as it had been before that day, before he’d been such an idiot.

“It was alarming when we discovered the state of it. The fact that the door was just… open… made us know something was wrong immediately.” Logan stated, pushing back his unease. It was just the room.

“What, and your room is always open?” Virgil scoffed. Logan looked at him, confused.

“Yes, actually. It’s not locked, per se, usually a knock will open it up. Patton keeps his open constantly, and Roman’s is open when he’s not busy brainstorming. You are the only one who habitually keeps their room locked, refusing any contact with others.” Logan rattled off, adjusting his glasses, realizing that look was back on Virgil’s face.

“Oh. I thought everyone…”

“You hold yourself back more than you know, Virgil. We keep telling you, we’re here for you, you just have to let us in every once in a while.” Logan replied gently. Virgil turned with a shake of his head, looking around his newly restored room. He’d think later, when he wasn’t already on the edge.

It was nice, being back in his own space again. There was an air about it, even though it was made of anxiety, it was his room, that calmed him down a bit. His own books, blankets, posters, they soothed him. That was usually offset by the fear of the Dark sides popping by, but he was too tired to care, and he had Logan with him. That made him feel safe, he realized.

He snapped to attention as he realized Logan was looking at him, as if expecting a response. He’d said something, and Virgil had missed it completely.

“What? Sorry.” Logan’s forehead creased, a sure sign of concern.

“I was just asking if you were alright. Let’s get you settled in.” He said gently. Virgil yawned hugely, nodding, flopping down on his bed and cocooning himself in his nest of blankets, smiling despite himself at being surrounded by his things, familiar things.

He grabbed his headphones and slid them on, turning on a meditation book he’d gotten with Logan’s gift card from Christmas. He snuggled in, letting out a soft sigh. He already felt more real, more solid, less like he was barely holding himself together. He hadn’t realized how tired he was until he lay down, and felt like he could sleep forever.

“Logan? You’ll really stay, for a bit?” Virgil asked, eyes barely peeking out from under the blankets.

“As long as I can, Virg. I can swap out with the others if the room gets to me too much. But I’ll be here if you need me. I promise.” He adjusted his glasses, a bit uncomfortable with the sweep of strong protective emotions surging through him. Virgil smiled smally.

“thanks Teach.” Then he was asleep. Logan let out a held in breath, feeling some of his stress drain away. He wondered if this was how Patton felt, looking at all of them. This strong, protective, nurturing instinct.

He could see where Virgil was coming from, with his fears. Virgil used logic, in his own way, to reach conclusions. He just jumped to the most extreme ends of those threads of logic, seeing the worst case scenario instead of the most likely scenario. It was easy, then, to walk him back down his line of reasoning, show him where he jumped to a conclusion, and steer him back down the line of probable outcomes. Still, Virgil always worried him, not least of all because of his tendency to hide away instead of be forthcoming with issues. That was something him and Patton have in common, which made him both frustrated and relieved. Because they didn’t talk to him, but at least they talked to each other. Still, at least this time he’d listened, let him help. Trusted him, which was by no means an easy thing for Virgil to do.

“Well, look who’s finally ba- oh. It’s just you.” Logan spun, letting out a sharp hiss of breath, standing to block Virgil from view. Deceit stood in the middle of the room, disinterestedly looking around. “Still, I see you’ve fixed up the place. I’d say it looks nice but even I can’t lie that badly.” His eyes flashed as he looked up at Logan.

Logan felt something… strange. It burned in his stomach, pulsed in his veins, made him clench his hands into fists and his eyes to burn green with power. It made him feel taller, bigger, fiercer. It made him want to act very illogically. 

It was anger, it was rage, it was all the fear he’d had for Virgil when he was trying every trick he knew to break his fever, when he was mumbling in his sleep, when he was broken on the ground, when he’d thought, came so close to thinking, they were going to lose him.

In a moment he was across the room, fists clenched and he swung, hitting Deceit right in his good eye, sending him reeling backwards. He didn’t care that his knuckles were bruised or the pain spiking up his arm, for a moment he stood there, feeling good that he’d lashed out.

“My my Logan, I didn’t think you had that in you.” Deceit smirked, recovering, wincing slightly as he felt his eye start to swell. “Pretty good arm for someone who’s such a bookworm.”

“Shut up and get out.” Logan hissed, trying hard to keep his own power in check.

“Come now Logan, I can’t visit an old friend?” He lashed out then, unspooling his power in great green vines that wrapped around Deceit’s legs, arms, tying him up before throwing him back against the wall, pinning him there.

“You are not his friend. Let me tell you what you did. You bullied him, harassed him, tore him down time after time when he wanted to get better, wanted to get help, until he was afraid to leave his room.” Logan came closer with every rattled off word. “And after? He was sick, so sick, I was almost certain we were going to lose him, his fever didn’t come down for a week. The whole time he was delirious, lost in nightmares that you gave him, because of your little game. Because of you, he was terrified of his own room, he couldn’t even look at the door, he could barely look at us, because all he saw was corpses. He was fading away from not coming in here and he only, only came in because I told him I would stay and keep him safe. And unlike you, I am no liar.” He hissed, staring down Deceit, who was chained to the wall by his power, by his will, too stunned to move, to try and break free. 

He wasn’t even sure if he could. Logan was always the most hesitant when it came to using his power, but this was a whole new level. He’d never seen Logan actually truly furious before, and he didn’t know what he could do with that fury.

“Did you even care that you nearly killed him, putting aside that you were aiming for Patton? You claim he was your friend, wasn’t he, that was the whole point of your little charade and hall of mirrors, that you were so much better for him than we are, that you understand him so much better than we do. You’re even more stupid and arrogant than I thought. All that matters to you is you. He knows that now, we all do. So, if you have something to say, say it. Otherwise if I ever hear of you coming in here again, if I so much as suspect that you’re hurting him, I swear I will track you down wherever you decide to hide in the mindscape and make you wish you’d never existed in the first place.” He pulled his hand back and the vines tightened, squeezing him until he couldn’t breathe, until he heard bones pop, before they vanished and he fell to the floor. “This is not one of your games. We are not your pawns. Virgil will be safe.”

He looked up at Logan, who towered above him, and saw the truth of his threat in his gleaming eyes, his ready stance. He heard a rustle, and his eyes flickered past Logan, over his shoulder, seeing for the first time that Virgil was there. With a pop, he vanished from the floor, appearing next to the bed. Hesitantly, he reached a hand out to Lucian, before pulling back, biting his lip. He looked so small, so pale, so… weak. He did that. He ruined everything. Standing there, he deflated, let go of his façade, let his shoulders drop and sag. Let his own secret fear release.

“I didn’t want… I didn’t mean for it to go that far. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, not really. I don’t want to be the bad guy all the time, I just get stuck on showing I’m right and disregard the cost. Whatever the cost. I don’t know how to stop.” He looked back over his shoulder, at Logan, who was watching him like a hawk, ready to strike the moment he made any kind of move. “He was gone from the room for so long… I thought I’d know, I’d feel it, if he didn’t make it, but I wasn’t sure. Then the days passed and passed and I didn’t…. Nothing is worth him. He was always better than the rest of us.” He reached out, gently stroking Lucian’s hair, smiling sadly as he leaned into the touch. He drew back, turning to Logan.

“I won’t be back. Not unless he calls me, not unless he wants to talk. I’ll do what I can about the others. Tell him that, will you? And that… that I’m sorry, for everything.” He gave a bittersweet smile, meeting Logan’s eyes. “Everything you said was right. You’re better for him than I ever was, and I was selfish to try and get him back. See you around, Teach.” 

And before Logan could process the genuineness in Deceit’s voice, he vanished.

Logan let out a heavy breath, feeling wobbly as he let go of the tension building in him, all the power he’d gathered ready to protect Virgil. He knew he should switch off with one of the others, but he didn’t want to leave yet. He wasn’t ready to leave Virgil, no matter what Deceit said, or how sincere he sounded. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching Virgil sleep, and shook his head. Nothing else was going to happen to him. Not now, not ever. He’d make sure of that.


	4. Milo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to talk things out

He paced nervously, back and forth, habitually glancing at the bed, where Logan sat, in his room, a scene unimaginable just four months ago. Before he never let anyone into his room, he barely had his room open. Now he invited them in, even if they couldn’t stay for extended periods of time, it was… nice. And the more exposure they got the more used to his room’s atmosphere they became and the longer it took for it to affect them at all. Logan was the best at managing, Patton coming in second, and Roman unsurprisingly last. But they were all trying and managing better than before.

“You’re sure that’s what he said?” Virgil asked, for what seemed like the millionth time, not that Logan was counting. He’d lost track about a hundred asks before.

“yes, I don’t know why you keep insisting I repeat it, I’ve told you verbatim what he said to me when he unexpectedly popped in. Whether he meant it or not is a different matter, one you are acquainted with better than most. He hasn’t gone against his word, has he?” Logan asked, a question he himself had repeated more than a hundred times, eyes flashing. Virgil shook his head.

“Nothing. Complete silence. Which is… Nice? Weird? I don’t know. I don’t miss the fights or taunts but I miss… him. Just seeing him. And I know the time I spent in his realm before you got there wasn’t real, not really, it still felt… good. Normal. Natural, even after when we got back. Is that bad, or, wrong?” He asked, flopping down on his back on the bed beside Logan, rubbing his forehead.

“No. It’s not bad. I know despite everything you still harbor affection for him. For a long time, he was your only source of socialization. You relied on each other. Then your paths diverged.”

“You mean I left him.” Virgil replied bitterly.

“you did what was best for you, there’s nothing wrong with that. He could have tried to change, to participate in a cooperative way, but he chose instead to linger in the shadows and torment you. Don’t let yourself forget that, either.” Logan pointed out evenly.

“Do you remember how I was at first, Teach? Tell me that’s not exactly what he’s been doing. I thought the only way to get my point across was to be scary, to terrify you guys and Thomas into listening to me. He is trying, he just doesn’t get it yet.” Virgil argued, Logan sitting silently.

“You can keep telling me things I’ve already heard you say, or you can talk to who you really want to discuss this with.” Logan replied after a moment of quiet. Virgil sighed.

“I just don’t know if I can.” Virgil sat up, smiling slightly. “I still can’t believe you decked him.” Logan looked away, ears burning.

“I may have let my emotions and your room cloud my judgement.” He replied, Virgil snorting.

“Just a bit, yeah. Anyway, you should get going.” Virgil said, smile vanishing. Logan paused at the door, hesitating. “I’ll be fine, Teach.” Virgil said, shooing him out. He hoped that was true.

He let out a breath against the closed door. Virgil knew he’d come a long way, but so had Logan. Ever since everything, they’d both been more open with each other, Logan had checked in more, been there more, been more protective. He liked spending time with Patton and Roman but they could be draining, with how hyperactive and volatile their emotions were, changing on a whim. Logan was steadier, more contemplative, and Virgil found himself gravitating towards that. Logan’s room was the only one that almost put his mind at ease to be in, that he barely had trouble handling. It was like…

“Milo.” He said the name quietly, hesitantly, knowing he’d be there when he turned around, not knowing what either of them would do. Still, he took a breath and turned.

There he was. Yellow gloves, yellow eyes, scaly face, though his hat and his usual cocky indifference were missing. He was hesitant, scared, off balance. Virgil flinched back despite himself.

“Hey.” Virgil said, rubbing his arm.

“Lucian.” Milo breathed out, drinking him in, every inch, relieved to see him looking normal, fine, alive. “I know I’m sorry isn’t enough- “

“Sorry for what, exactly? Because there’s so many things that sorry doesn’t even begin to cover.” Virgil cut him off, voice hard, though he shook, with anger or fear Milo couldn’t tell.

“Lu- “

“Are you sorry for wrecking my self-esteem? Are you sorry for trying to destroy my friends? For nearly killing Patton? Nearly killing me? Because hurting me is one thing, but hurting them? That’s unforgivable, Mi. They’re my lifeline. They’re the only thing holding me together most of the time.” Virgil counted on his fingers, trying to keep his emotions in check, staring down Milo, with every point. “So? What, if anything, are you sorry for?!” He demanded, stepping closer, letting his anger well up and replace his fear, his sadness.

“I’m sorry that I caused you pain. I’m sorry that I used you, used them to use you. There’re a million things I’m sorry for, Virgil and a million things I wish had gone a different way and a million choices I wish I made instead of the ones I did. And I am sorry that you’re happier without me. That you found a better family. That you changed and I haven’t. Because that means I lose you. I know that’s selfish, but what else do you expect from me?” He finished, looking away, idly staring at the drawings on the wall. Trying to feign calm.

“That’s not good enough.”

“What else do you want me to say, Virgil? That’s all I have to give. I don’t have reasonable explanations, I don’t have excuses. I did what I did and I am what I am.” Milo replied, sighing, looking miserable.

“You don’t have to be this. You can be so much better, Mi. You can do so much good, if you would just try.” Virgil said, question in his voice. “I know you try and help, I know you want to. So why don’t you?” Milo looked down at Virgil, who was looking up at him with those big painfully hopeful eyes, asking the question they’d fought over a thousand times before. The thing that had started the rift between them. What he’d been asking and answering himself since Virgil left.

“Because I’m not a light side. You were never really one of us, Virgil. You always straddled the line. I do too. But I’m what keeps the others from running rampant through the mindscape. If I started showing up to your little meet and greets, if I started acting soft, they’d take advantage. I can’t abandon them. I don’t want to abandon you. I never wanted to hurt you, I just…. I don’t know what I wanted. What I was thinking. You were putting your guard down more and more and I didn’t want you to get hurt because of it. So, I decided to help you raise your barriers back up, remind you what we’re capable of, so you wouldn’t slip too far. But I slipped too far. I almost….” He closed his eyes, so Virgil wouldn’t see how great his fear was, of what had almost happened.

That moment when the arrow hit and they locked eyes played and replayed in his mind every moment after, every second that Virgil wasn’t back in his room, every time he closed his eyes. His mind spun through all the possibilities until he was begging, praying, wishing he would return to his room, just so he could help, just so he could know. He’d felt like he was going crazy, not knowing.

“Milo?” Despite everything, Virgil’s voice still cracked with concern for him. He opened his eyes, unable to hold himself together. He swept Virgil into a hug, head buried in his shoulder, trying to keep from losing all composure. Virgil flinched, stiffening.

“I thought I’d lost you. I thought I’d been the cause of losing you.” He whispered, shaking. He felt Virgil hug him back, tentatively at first, then holding tight to him, as if they were the only two in the world. “I’ll be better. I’ll do better. But I can’t stay.” Milo murmured, pulling away. Virgil smiled smally, rubbing his arm.

“I know. But… we’re good now, yeah?” He asked.

“That’s up to you, Virg. I’m the one who hurt you. I’m not entitled to anything you have to give.” He replied, eyes wet.

“You called me Virg. You’ve never called me that before.” Virgil replied, “you’ve called me Virgil almost this whole time, haven’t you?” he realized.

“That’s who you are now, isn’t it? It’s long past time I accepted that. Accepted you, as you are. As who you want to be.” He answered, meeting Virgil’s eyes.

“I missed you, Milo.” Virgil grinned, making Milo laugh, and ruffle his hair. It had been too long since he’d seen Virgil really smile.

“You too, Virg. You know how to reach me, if you need me.” Milo replied, giving a small bow before vanishing. Virgil rolled his eyes, fixing his hair, unable to suppress his smile. 

He’d been ready for a fight, but for once neither of them wanted one. He felt lighter than he had in months as he opened the door, ready to face the world, knowing Milo was still keeping an eye on him, for the better this time.

Things weren’t perfect. It would be awhile before Virgil really trusted him again, before he let his guard down. But it was a start. For now, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Mild disturbing imagery, blood, manipulations (virgil has a nightmare, none of it's really real)


End file.
